Phone Sex That Isn't Ewww


Pushing past my fear of flying isn't so pretty, is it?!!!

“I have phone sex every Tuesday.”


That’s what I reply in exasperation to Funk and the kids whenever they text me just before I'm about to get on a call with my therapist.


I’ve been going to Shelly, or Shells, as I call her, since 2005. The precipitating factor with that go round with therapy was that my “girlfriend” of fourteen years dumped me without explanation, and that my daughter—selfish thing that she was—left me for a yearlong study abroad program in France.


I didn’t realize I was undergoing a mini-crisis until my personal trainer, Teense, brought it to my attention that therapy might be a really good idea at this point in my life.


Tina was right, and thank God for her.


Every person that I’ve come in contact with has made me into the woman who stands before you today. Some, like my “girlfriend,” in harsh ways, and some, like Teense and Shells, in loving ways.


I used to have in-person meetings with Shells when I lived in Kansas City. But her therapy works the same over the phone. She said something profound recently, and it’s become my mantra. Recalling it helped me just the other day when I was afraid of getting on an airplane, “Connecting to our Higher Self is the ANSWER to our suffering.” Higher Self, meaning, the self that resides on the other side.


Other people that I don’t even know have also helped me grow. An example is Alex Borstein, an actress from the blockbuster series, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, when she said, “Step out of line, ladies, step out of line."


Those words seem simple, but they speak to what NEEDS to be the message of the day. The reason being: Americans are lonely, and because of that they’re suffering. Yet they’re suffering in silence, except in one way—they’ve gotten really mean—and they’re quite vocal with that.


There are only two ways that I can think of to end our suffering. One, is to find our voice. To do that, we need to “step out of line” and demand to be heard. And two, everyone needs a mother. If we don’t have a nurturing mother here on earth, then we need to find comfort by enlisting help from above.


Because of Tuesday’s phone sex, I continue becoming a New and Better Me. Here’s to you if you’re evolving too, if you’re lifting your sisters and brothers with your newfound self, because that’s the only way the world will evolve to a better place.

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